Responsibility and Me

The past couple of years, I've noticed a trend in my behavior with games. It is not a new behavior for me, but is one that I'd suppressed for several years and now has a new reason behind it.

My first forays into online gaming were with MUDs. I searched through hundreds of them, trying to find one that seemed worthwhile, and eventually settled in a Roleplay-required place that wasn't too different from what I had become accustomed to, gameplay-wise. I created a vast number of characters but could never seem to stick to one for long. I kept coming up with concepts for characters, creating them, and then letting them falter and languish when my concept or idea failed to come to fruition quickly enough, or when I got too bored with level-grinding. After all, it's a game. Why should I spend too much time devoting actual work-like energy into it? Finally, I decided I was tired of the cycle, and made up my mind to create a "throw-away" character, one that I wouldn't care one way or another what happened with. No predestined goals, no background, no real concept, but I promised myself I'd make it to the maximum level. I even used a random name generator, so I wouldn't assign the character any hidden meaning or goals that way.

This "throw-away" still exists. I have been playing him for over eight years now. For over three of those years, he was a key governmental figure in one of the game's kingdoms. I gave my all to that game, that faux-government, to make the in-game environment feel as real as I could, to give the people who worked with me a real sense of connection and achievement. I held the position for longer than any other character, and even when real life took precedence with moving, finding and maintaining a job, and marriage, I did my best to remain accessible to those who depended on me in the game, albeit by messages rather than direct contact. Three days after my forced retirement, due to my "increased absence", everything I worked on was tossed out.

It's taken me years, but I'm finally coming to terms with some of my disappointment and bitterness (this site, which I came across recently, has helped). I've sought solace in other games, but I never seem to stay satisfied with one for very long. None have the depth I'd felt in the MUD, despite the beauty of graphics and the potential for RP, the latter of which I find to be severely lacking in most cases. And in all cases, I've intentionally avoided any duty or responsibility that anyone has tried to assign to me. After all, it's a game. Why should I bother putting too much energy into something that will, ultimately, have no effect on real life? Especially since any work I do will likely end up being undone once I'm no longer there to sustain it.