Tolerating Distractions

Once again, enlightenment from another blog's comments.  Normally when I read the comments on internet articles and blogs, I'm left with disappointment over the state of humanity, so this is a welcome change of pace.

I recently followed a few gaming blogs on G+, and through that stumbled across this article regarding gamers who don't pay strict attention at the table.  Knitting at the table is kind of awesome, and is less distracting (for the other players) than my backpacker.  I know one GM who sometimes crochets while running the game, when the players are planning things out and so on.  In most cases, it is as easy to pick up and put down as anything else and is productive to boot.  I'm fairly lenient when it comes to distracted gamers, though I'll admit to some of the typical insecurities regarding whether or not the person is invested in the game, and whose fault that may be if they aren't.  However, my wife and I have discussed at various times her envy-inducing multitasking abilities, so usually I'm able to keep in mind that even if she doesn't appear to be paying attention physically, her mind is still focused on the game.  It was nice, then, to see this comment from "dfjdejulio":

So, on the “knitting while playing tabletop games” thing, I might be able to give a little perspective on why some people react so negatively to it.

My spouse does this sort of thing. I do not.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. My spouse has some ADHD-like symptoms but has never gotten a diagnosis. Right around the time of my diagnosis, I studied up on the condition, reading a lot of books and some articles from medical journals and stuff.

Some people with ADHD cannot concentrate well *if* more than one thing is going on. Other people with ADHD cannot concentrate well *unless* more than one thing is going on.

(What *seems* to be going on is, when the primary activity isn’t stimulating enough to occupy every last drop of their attention, they can “bleed off” some of the excess need-for-stimulation via secondary activities. If they’re blocked from doing this it gets frustrating and they fidget and daydream and stuff and just can’t focus.)

Whether she actually has ADHD or not, the latter certainly describes my spouse. She’s even got empirical data to back this up — when she started studying and doing homework with the TV *on*, her grades went *up*, and that correlation remained in place from high school through grad school. It was an objectively measurable effect, not just a subjective experience.

I, on the other hand, am the sort who can’t concentrate if anything else is going on.

Her behavior drove me *nuts* until I understood it, because if *I* had been behaving that way, well, it would have meant that I cared so little for the game that I had no intention of participating in it. But she needed the extra distraction in order to participate. What would have been a display of contempt from me was an accommodation in order to remain involved from her.

(Similarly, when we’re ordering pizza, I have to either pause or mute the TV, because otherwise I often can’t even read the pizza menu — my ability to multitask is *that* poor. This drove *her* nuts until she understood my nature better.)

I don't have ADHD (or at least, have never been diagnosed with it), but this still resonates with me very strongly.  I cannot multitask well at all.  If I open up a browser window while playing on a MUD, there's a good chance I'll get focused on whatever is in the browser and forget that I'm still logged into a game underneath it.  If there is a television within my field of vision, I have difficulty focusing on anything else in the room, whether it's visual or aural.  Trying to use multiple devices with multiple screens, something becoming iconic in the world of geeks and gaming, is simply beyond me.  I can listen to music while doing something else, but anything visual typically ends up derailing me.

My wife, on the other hand, typically has about twenty browser tabs open and is connected to the MUD while doing her college coursework, with the television on.  It makes me jealous, and also sometimes makes it difficult for me to understand comments that she makes because I wasn't paying attention to whatever source spurred the comment.  But, she cannot deal with having a lot of noise, or multiple sources of aural input, especially if she's trying to talk.  Music playing while the television is on ends up being too chaotic and cacophonous.  Sometimes just music on the radio is too much - she focuses better with silence.

So, I can handle background noise but not background visuals, while she can deal with visuals but not noise. There are exceptions on both sides, but this is the typical situation.

Both my wife and our friend Jonathan use their laptops to store character sheets for my game.  It's a lot harder to lose a laptop than a piece of paper or even a folder, and digital files are much easier to edit (and don't suffer from eraser marks).  Most of my game rules and information is also kept on my computer, though I try to only open it up on an as-needed basis.  So I have come to expect a certain level of distraction during my games, and for the most part I've built up a tolerance and I'm okay with it.  I have my limits as well, but it doesn't come up often because I know that it's mostly just satisfying the need/urge to fidget when the player's character isn't in the spotlight.

When I'm a player, though, rather than a GM, I use paper character sheets, and limit my "distractions" to random dice rolling and fiddling around on the guitar if there's no other music playing.  That's how I was raised, in gaming, so that's how I feel comfortable doing it.

This post brought to you by the numbers 7 and 15

Absence is a bloody liar. A heart will grow fonder even in close proximity. But apparently while I wasn't looking, I got tagged for a blogger award, in the same post by Cap'n Kyrie that tagged Hyperbole and a Half. Allie is freaking awesome, and I love her humor and insight, and I feel terribly out-of-place getting any award she received.

Now, I'm flattered Cap'n, but I'm sorry. I just can't accept this award. Not because I feel I'm outclassed by the company it keeps, but because I just simply don't know fifteen other bloggers. That means I can't follow the rules of the award, and so I must refuse. That, and I'm pretty sure the ones I do know have already been tapped for it, so I'm actually preventing an infinite loop that could crash the internet... or not, since Demotivational Posters have already divided by zero.

But, I will go ahead and tell seven things about myself:
1) I do not have a PhD in Horribleness. I am working on a BA in Sociology, though. Working on semester two of my first year, through online courses, and I made the Dean's List last semester, so go me.

I do have a pretty good evil laugh, though.

2) I get really, really focused. If I'm working on something, I will try to hammer out each and every bit of minutiae I can long past the point at which it really matters, and react poorly when interrupted, even by the call of nature.
2a) I absolutely love and adore and cherish my wife, and am grateful for her patience with me.

3) My favorite X-Man is Nightcrawler, and has been since I was a little kid. I may not have a lot in common with him from a religious standpoint, but I've never been one to let religious differences stand in the way of a good friendship.

Blue or not, the man has skills and looks great in tights.

4) I used to be a Final Fantasy Fanatic. I own every Final Fantasy game released in the US, up to X-2, but I only ever finished one of them (X, so that I'd know where X-2 was picking up from). I'm convinced that this is because I didn't want the game to end, because that meant the fantasy was over. I didn't get into Final Fantasy XI Online because I didn't really have a disposable income and was, at least at that point, very against the idea of paying subscription fees for games, especially since I was already heavily involved in a free-to-play MUD. By the time FFXII came out, October 11 of 2006, I was busy starting a fantasy of my own, making arrangements for my wedding at the end of the month. I don't even know how many they've made since then. Take that, LegendaryFrog.

5) I am better at carpentry than the previous owners of my house, who apparently (according to a sign left in the shed when we moved in) ran a contracting business. I've learned more about power tools, floor supports, and fitting square boards into not-square rooms in the past few years than I ever did in high school. Guess I should have taken shop class after all. Maybe the vocational aptitude test I took back in elementary school was right when it said I was most suited to become an interior decorator.

6) I know more about computer troubleshooting than my best friend, who was trained as a CAD Technician by ITT. Seriously. I've debugged his computers multiple times, and even installed a new power supply for him because, while he may know how to use CAD programs, he has no clue when it comes to opening up the case of his tower. And here I thought I only really knew enough to get myself into trouble.

7) I play guitar. Acoustic, not electric, and not what I would consider well, but better than I can play the piano (which isn't that hard, since I know about 3 tunes on the piano and they're all from video games). I picked it up in high school, and have mostly used it as a means of enhancing my vocal performances with a few chords thrown in. Somewhat recently, though, my limited guitar skills landed me a position in an established group that travels the Renaissance Faire circuit (and other venues). Again, go me.

And that's my seven factoids. We now return you to your regularly scheduled, non-updating blog.

Responsibility and Me

The past couple of years, I've noticed a trend in my behavior with games. It is not a new behavior for me, but is one that I'd suppressed for several years and now has a new reason behind it.

My first forays into online gaming were with MUDs. I searched through hundreds of them, trying to find one that seemed worthwhile, and eventually settled in a Roleplay-required place that wasn't too different from what I had become accustomed to, gameplay-wise. I created a vast number of characters but could never seem to stick to one for long. I kept coming up with concepts for characters, creating them, and then letting them falter and languish when my concept or idea failed to come to fruition quickly enough, or when I got too bored with level-grinding. After all, it's a game. Why should I spend too much time devoting actual work-like energy into it? Finally, I decided I was tired of the cycle, and made up my mind to create a "throw-away" character, one that I wouldn't care one way or another what happened with. No predestined goals, no background, no real concept, but I promised myself I'd make it to the maximum level. I even used a random name generator, so I wouldn't assign the character any hidden meaning or goals that way.

This "throw-away" still exists. I have been playing him for over eight years now. For over three of those years, he was a key governmental figure in one of the game's kingdoms. I gave my all to that game, that faux-government, to make the in-game environment feel as real as I could, to give the people who worked with me a real sense of connection and achievement. I held the position for longer than any other character, and even when real life took precedence with moving, finding and maintaining a job, and marriage, I did my best to remain accessible to those who depended on me in the game, albeit by messages rather than direct contact. Three days after my forced retirement, due to my "increased absence", everything I worked on was tossed out.

It's taken me years, but I'm finally coming to terms with some of my disappointment and bitterness (this site, which I came across recently, has helped). I've sought solace in other games, but I never seem to stay satisfied with one for very long. None have the depth I'd felt in the MUD, despite the beauty of graphics and the potential for RP, the latter of which I find to be severely lacking in most cases. And in all cases, I've intentionally avoided any duty or responsibility that anyone has tried to assign to me. After all, it's a game. Why should I bother putting too much energy into something that will, ultimately, have no effect on real life? Especially since any work I do will likely end up being undone once I'm no longer there to sustain it.

RP is not dead, just wounded

Ok, I admit it. I'm very resistant to change. There's still a good-sized part of me that rails against paying for online games, even though I've now succumbed to the depths of paying for "free-to-play" games (Ok, yes, you can play them for free, but to really enjoy them costs an average of $15/month). That part of me is rather close to or symbiotic with another part that says, "Sure, the graphics are shiny, but you'll never have the same fun or RP that you did playing that free text-based game."

Yeah, the MUD I played in was pretty good. I had a lot of good times there, made some friends, some enemies, etc. I look back fondly on the time I spent there, and occasionally drop in to check out what's been going on.

The problem is, my nostalgia plays tricks with my memory. Sure, I remember the good times, but I also have over three years' worth of logfiles to remind me of all the bad times, too. The in-character politics is one thing, but to have IC politics manipulated by OOC, to have players abuse their power by spying on you with their IMM account, to have rogue IMMs depose players' characters from power due to OOC dislike, to have spent over three years of my life devoted to helping a game's roleplay environment with nothing to show for it...

Yes, I'm bitter. I reached the point, quite some time ago, where I no longer trusted anyone in power within the game, because the majority of them had tried, with varying levels of success, to screw me and mine over. But that's not why I'm writing this. I do not intend to subject you all to the venomous vitriol which has built up within me.

My point of this post, rather, is to discover why, after knowing all the difficulties, all the politics, all the OOC factors that tint my perspective of that virtual place... why do I still feel the urge to return there? Whether it's to resume my role or begin a new character, I feel this pull towards the MUD.

I believe part of it is due to the inherent traits of a text-based environment, something that no graphics-based game is going to be able to reproduce for quite some time - customization of your character's appearance. Graphics-based character generation comes with preset attributes; your hair can be these styles, these colors, your skin can be these shades, your eyes can be this shape, these colors. After a while, there's no way to look unique. That's why there's always a rush to get the newest, coolest-looking clothes and such when new expansions are released. If you're the first, you get to look unique and stand out, even if it's just for a little while.

Within the text-based world, however, you can enter in your own description of your character. You're not limited to the defaults, to the pre-approved styles of hair or clothing. You can add details, like that scar your character got fighting some major battle, or even just your character's bearing. Not everyone walks the same, after all. Sure, it's limited by your imagination, but I'd much rather be "constrained" by my own than by the imaginations and code limitations of the game designers. After all, these are the same people who have mandated over and over that strength beats all, that a bigger sword equals a better sword, while finesse and grace are relegated to the weak, or at the most second-best.

Sudden insight: Video games give many people an escape from the feeling that they are powerless, without control of their lives, by allowing them to feel powerful within the context of the game. However, the game does not teach any different lesson: You need to be strong, be powerful, in order to progress. The game provides escape, temporarily. You can fight against the evil/corrupt powers-that-be and have a chance of changing things for the better. But there is no long-term solution included. Nothing learned from the game can be applied to change a person's daily sense of oppression in the real world. It's a patch, a quick-fix akin to cigarettes and chocolate.

Returning to my widely swinging point of this post, yes, character customization is a big part of it. My mind can come up with much more variance in appearance than a game engine can allow for. Further, perhaps due to this, the text-based crowd tends to exhibit a bit more imagination and RP ability than most people you'll find in a graphics setting. Again, some of this is due to code limitations, but a good deal of it is not. I felt a greater sense of immersion playing a game without graphics than I ever have while playing the shiny stuff.

Then, do I play with the shinies and ignore the lack of depth and RP, or do I return to the text, ignoring the lack of graphics, and subject myself to more psychological torture at the hands of petty politics for the chance of a more satisfying RP experience?